Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
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I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.