Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
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My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”