@JediGigi
@murrman5 Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
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@murrman5 
@Kadayo_Takamini Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
@AnniemuMary Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
@dafloydsta [date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
@HlessHman Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
@badbanana Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
@Jake_Vig A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
@robwhisman the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
@jasomnambulism Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
@Tmoney68 [Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.