Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
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[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
ok like just. call me at this point
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
is this a threat
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!