Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

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Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?


Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus


*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*


I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.


New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.


Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating


[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?


*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”


I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.


Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid