@mrtruthandsoul

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

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@clemdytan

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

@Crunch11b

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

@Haggis_20

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

@DzNuutz

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

@GreenScoundrel

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

@GreenishDuck

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

@UncleDuke1969

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

@aneesa_p

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.