Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
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FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
good let them take over I have had enough
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
These work great until they don’t.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins