Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
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skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Animal poetry
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?