@blaha_Who

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

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@cravin4

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

@3sunzzz

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

@Zombie_Kitv2

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

@murrman5

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

@KeetPotato

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

@DannyZuker

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

@blaha_Who

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

@That_Damn_Duck

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

@rusty_coach

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”