Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
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me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Kentucky names the shit out of places
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us