Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
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murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
drew a comic about my origin story
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
*watches the world burn*
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.