Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
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I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
my nickname in college
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Happy thanksgiving
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.