Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
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FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
My life in a nutshell
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”