Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
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[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
A completely valid reaction tbh
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
That’s amazing.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE