Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
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My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
car not found
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Body by Oreos
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.