Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
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Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee