@GreenishDuck

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

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@DearAuntAbby

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

@crashcampbell84

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

@The_Sculptress

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

@swiftenhaal

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

@Writepop

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

@Bunnydurden

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

@PhilLaysheO

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

@Jennifergr8

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

@Lisa_Laughs_

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

@Hadzilla

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today