Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

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I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.


They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.


The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.


I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.


I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.


People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.


My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.


Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.


They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.


Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today