Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
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[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
my professor scared me for a second
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
The “baby” on the left….
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄