Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”

*door opens*

BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human

Captcha:

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend