“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
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Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.