[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
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Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,