Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
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[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
You’ll be OK
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
You deplete me
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b