“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
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My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
My Plans 2020
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one