Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
You Might Also Like
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.