Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
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Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
how to exercise your calf muscles
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Breaking news:
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is