Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
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I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?