[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
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“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
a fate I wish upon no one
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.