[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
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Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college