Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
You Might Also Like
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee