“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
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Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Twitter is an abusement park.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested