Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
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Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?