HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
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when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant