Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up