Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

WWE is French for “yes”

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

Ridiculous. He should be in jail