Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
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Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.