Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
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Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”