Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

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[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS


If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.


Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses


probably should have split this into two separate stories guys


“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds


The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.


I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.


Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.