Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
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Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”