Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
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I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Good morning.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.