“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
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Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.