HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
You Might Also Like
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.