Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
You Might Also Like
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter