“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
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Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Just as the prophecy foretold
You know…for fall…
We’ve come full circle
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.