“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

You Might Also Like


“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice


When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.


Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.


Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.


I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?


Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels


[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]


The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.


It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”


Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”