@NicCageMatch

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

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@pharmasean

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

@MomofTeen

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

@TheFakeCNN

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

@nayele18maybe

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

@WilliamAder

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

@pharmasean

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

@flashember

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

@PaulyPeligroso

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

@shegotagronk

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

@419BillE

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”