Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
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Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law