Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
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Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.