HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
You Might Also Like
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?