Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
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I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Brands during Pride
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……