HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
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A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Every time my phone rings
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
The pasta is now
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind