Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
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I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye