hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
You Might Also Like
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.