Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
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Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.