Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
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Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Brother?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry