Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

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[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea


DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.


do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d

*club goes nuts*


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Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.


I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”


“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.


Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.


Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.


Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?