@SoulYodeler

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

@TheNardvark

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

@RudeFunPillow

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

@_NTFG_

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@Ideal_Victoria

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

@StrangerTings5

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

@justincousson

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

@daddygofish

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

@7_Cents

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

@ThisLocalHater

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?