‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
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I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Realize this:
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.