Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
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[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though