“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
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ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.